Journal

Joy in Change & Transformation

The following is a response I sent to my best friend. Basically, she’s in the midst of various challenges which has made her retreat and detach. She hasn’t necessarily detached nor retreated from our friendship. She’s faced with one of life’s transitions where she’s challenged to show up fully- or she can protect herself, her inner child. And defend against vulnerability. Anyways, as I’ve stated to her, I miss my open and defenseless friend. Anyways, our communications lead to the following email. I’m putting on my blog because as I’ve stated before, this blog is a year long document of my growth and transformation. My situation with my best friend obviously brings up issues of codependency which I try to keep in check! The response is in its’ entirety, unedited. Another reason I’m placing this on the blog is that within it, I articulate quite well, where I am and where I want to be.

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1. I have an agenda/investment.
2. We are in totally different, if not opposite, places.

First, I have an investment in the outcome of where you are, in the sense that I feel the end of/result of your current situation will take you/us back to where we once were. Not friendship wise, but in the sense of us returning to a period where we shared/discovered/uncovered spiritual stuff with the same level of enthusiasm and wonder. Where we actually sought and absorbed- devoured the stuff with the same passion. Basically, based upon the past I (believe) I already know the end. The end in the sense that we will go back to where we were 5, 10, 15. So I that sense, I have an investment in how you approach your current situation, the length of time, the work you put in it and so forth. LMAO, I thought this was funny because usually, my attitude is (sincerely) I have no investment in your outcome, I just want you to be happy. Lol. I guess this is one time when I do actually have an investment.

That revelation lead to the second. And this is not about you. In other words, I was not judging you or in anyway frustrated trying to analyze your stuff and as a result I got insight into mine. It’s more like being where I was at the moment in relationship to us, I realized something about me. Kinda like going to the mall with you to pick up make-up, I realized I really need to get a new wardrobe! In other words, you and your need for make-up has nothing to do with my revelation. And my revelation has nothing to do with you and your need for make up. I only say this, so that as you read, you won’t be trying to figure out how our stuff relates. There is not a hidden message in this for you.

Anyways, I realized I’m at a totally opposite place of where you are in the sense that I want nothing but challenges. I am relishing that my comfort zones are being busted. That I am hyper sensitive to negativity. That I want more, more, even more Louise, Marianne, Dyer, and Srole! I want nothing more than to let both Sami Jo and scholarly/academic/in school forever Dennis shine and soar! It’s interesting, I’ve found that I have nothing really to say to my life as is. Meaning the people I’ve cultivated and nourished for the past year or more, I don’t have any real desire to engage in the same dialogues and listen and co-sign the same realities. At one point, I’m like, “ok, what’s going on?!” is this the beginning stages of burn out? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you insulating/isolating/retreating?! What’s going on?”

What I realize is, I have a lot to say and share. I simply am not in the arena to share it. Last night, and just lately really, I’ve been realizing this. It’s like I’m on this super major spiritual seeking, exploration, devouring mission explosion thing! ROTFLMAO! And it’s like ARIEL!!!!!!!!????? Kinda like you was when you were attending school and every weekend you couldn’t wait to share with me and you’d blow up my voicemails and so forth. That’s basically where I’m at- and again, this isn’t about you. So message isn’t, you should be where I’m at or that I’m angry/resentful of us not being at the same place, or me feeling alone- because I don’t feel alone at all. Actually, I feel like Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Like I’ve given myself permission to soar.

I realize I want to be joined at the hip with Srole and learn everything I need to learn about graduating and being/becoming a historian. LOL! I want to share every minuscule detail of my growth/spiritual process/journey with someone who is in the same place, I want to challenge to the 10th power my food intake/exercise, I want to (like steve Harvey at 50) push myself to my peak position and do a professional photo shoot to commemorate it. I want to embrace my 44 magnum year and do the hell out of it! I want to put away ALL the bullshit of the previous 44 years- from sleep aids to ugly complexes and inferiorities. I realize “detox” for me is really a literal/symbolic/spiritual releasing of old food patterns and an embracing of new. I realize a “40 day fast” for me is establishing new food intake patterns and behaviors and spending 40 days to incorporate and maintain them in the hopes of continuing them. I realize what we intake physically, mentally, emotionally, and who/what we allow to surround us effects us. I realize I want to be a part of the solution. I realize, despite temptation- I like being celibate and despite all of the issues, I like being married and I love my husband. I realize, I love Annie Mae. I realize, I am not conventional. I realize, I don’t know. I realize, I like being longwinded and typing out complete sentences vs. using internet slang. I realize I love knowledge, learning, studying, reading, and education. I realize, if I could make a living doing this- it would be heaven. I realize, I can make a living doing what I love- I just need to show up, trust the universe who and what the universe sends to me and allow the universe to transform me. I realize I have a lot to say, give, offer, and share. And perhaps the “new arena” hasn’t shown up- yet. I realize, regardless, I must show up and that the new “arena” (support group/system, career, friendship, mentors, STUDENTS!LOL!) are on there way- but most importantly I have to show up and stay showed-ed up! lol!