Today I will contemplate the source of my strength

The house is quiet. My heart is not. My children lie sleeping on this hot afternoon. The blinds gently slap the windows.  Evidence of my successes hangs on the wall before me. Symbols of the love of friends lie here and there on my desk. Encouraging words are placed about where I can easily see them. Yet past successes, the love of friends and encouraging words don’t seem to help me break through the uneasiness, dissatisfaction and fear.  So I will take time out to talk to my Higher Power. I need to hand over, one by one, the things that are disturbing my peace. I give them in exchange for a new peace that can come only from meditating on the source of my strength.

Affirmations for the Inner Child

Rokelle Lerner

Fitness/Nutrition Update

The journey to detox and fasting. For the past two weeks I’ve limited my morning and afternoon food intake to water, tea, and coffee. I will have a piece of fruit and a form of grain (taste, bagel, muffin) in the morning and pretty much tea and water through the late evening. In the evening I’ve been having a very light meal. pretty much I’m doing this to gradually change my food habits and to shrink my stomach to what’s its used to holding. I’m doing this leading up to my detox and fast. I may start the detox this weekend and fast (essentially extending the detox throughout next week). Note: this isn’t the 40 day fast I’m doing prior to Easter.

The detox/fast I’m embarking on is more for detoxification purposes. My goal is that once I complete my detox, I will eat grains, fruits, and vegetables (preferably raw and organic, this would depend on what our budget is like! I’m still awaiting financial aid!) up until the period I start my 40 day fast. The 40 day fast I continue to pray and meditate on, at this point I haven’t decided what I would dedicate it to nor what I will consume. My Easter fast isn’t a water fast. It’s simply a fast where I discipline/limit myself to a certain regimented food intake plan for 40 days.

I am very active, so my fast are geared to my level of physical activity. That stated, my workout routine is coming along nicely, I’m gradually increasing my strength training and I’ve broken up my cardio- the goal is two hours, I’ve broken this up into two secessions, usually very early morning- twilight and mid to late afternoons. However, my goal is to gradually go back to 2-3hours of cardio in one secession. Of course this would be a gradual build as I embark on detoxifying and fasting and as the last day of winter (cold/flu season) are still upon us.

What a wonderful week!

Journal

A frustrating week of dis-ease. As I’ve resolved to scale down my life and evolvements, I’ve had less places to be and people to deal with but mentally I find myself just as active. This week I’ve studied The Rule of St. Benedict for my Religion of the Middle Ages class. I’ve also collected resources for my history research class- I’m a history major, btw. I had to turn in a couple of papers this week, one a three page paper on St. Benedicts rule and the other a historiography and refined thesis for my research class. These assignments weren’t easy for me. They call for an economy of writing which is not my “style” of writing. I tend to be a story teller and creative writer. I also prefer, some of you may pick up on this, stream of consciousness writing (my journaling is particularly done in a stream of consciousness style) so my writing is wordy, long winded, verbose, self-indulgent, excessive at worst. So precise/concise academic writing is a challenge to say the least! But I showed up for the task.

Monday I forced myself to gather my resources for the research class, type the citations, analyze and come up with a paragraph explaining the work and how I would use them for my overall thesis, a thesis that’s vague at best! I spent most of Tuesday properly writing my citations and constructing the historiography. The historiography is supposed to be one page, I got it in at a page and a quarter. This is a major achievement for me. I’ve been know to turn in 3-4 pages when a professor has only asked for a page! So I performed the tasks to the best of my abilities, at this point, and I turned it in- on time. Turning in paper work at its due date has also been a challenge for me. One can argue that either the content of my work is very good or I’m just one hellofva charming guy to get to the first official quarter of a graduate program with these study habits! Who knows? Alls I know is this is where I am being challenged to step up my game.

Wednesday and Thursday was all about the St Benedict paper. I’d written a very rough draft of the paper over the weekend- again, a major accomplishment so Wednesday was pretty much about constructing the paper. Thursday morning/afternoon was spent editing the paper. I actually went through the paper sentence by sentence which is something else I’ve never done before. Turned the paper in to turnitin.com and meeting my deadlines.

Completely these papers, responsibly within the guidelines, and turning them in wasn’t the only aspect of taking myself out of my comfort zone, not allowing distractions to misdirect my focus was another aspect of committing to difference choices.

Another choice I maid this week was to step down from my leadership duties of my church. I am very active in my little church. I usher on Sundays, attend standing committee meetings, my partner and I are responsible for the church’s café/snack shop on Sundays, and I conduct a fitness/nutrition program twice a week. These are simply my church duties. Also included are spousal duties and up until January, work. I’ve also had a couple of close friends from the past reenter my life, one friend going through a tough period of growth, and yet another friend with whom I’m having a strained relationship. I maintain my fitness program, as if I were maintaining life support, so I workout lifting/cardio at least 6-7 days a week on an average of two hours a day. All of the above, within this paragraph, doesn’t even involve school! And that’s the point I’m making, in the past all of the above would have alternatively overshadowed school or at least distracted me from school- especially when a brother was challenged to step his Academic writing skills up a notch! Let’s see?

Do I sit quietly, facing my inner-securities, and go over and over the same paragraph of a term paper for 20-30mins? Or do I rescue a friend in crisis, do I spend a day or three finding the proper sources for my research paper or do I just pick 2 or 3 at random, spend an all-nighter the day before the papers due, making the resources work and throwing together a paper because I chose church “responsibilities” over school? Do I sit in stillness and “just be” reading n junk, and remain still and focused as I deal with the guilt of the co-dependent who is choosing self over friends, the partner whose spouse if doing real work- manual labor, while I just stay home and read? Or do I try and fit a job into my tight academic schedule, due to ego/pride, even though it’s quite apparent (and my advisors have insisted that school must come first. And what about my background surrounded by anti-intellectualism within my church, community, the hood, the attitude of the populations I served in my prior career (community activism, program directing, and counseling), hell, even the anti-intellectualism of family, some of my friends, and definitely my spouse!!!!

How do I sit comfortably within the uncomfortable and approach graduate school unlike I’ve approached school in the past? How do I make me a priority, when as a co-dependent I’ve always made others my primary focus and responsibility? Hmmmmm? Perhaps I approach my challenges day by day, task by task, challenge by challenge? Which is what I did this week! So therefore, what a wonderful week indeed!! Score one for the hot mess of a brotha!

Affirmation

I love my life

Seriously, even though what I'm going through is in some ways more challenging than a lot of what I've been through in the past, I know it's about healing and it feels pretty good because it's my journey.

This script is uniquely mine and I'm doing it and doing it and doing it well.

Freedom From The Known

Now, freedom from all that, is freedom from the known; it is the state of a mind which says, "I do not know", and which is not looking for an answer. Such a mind is completely not seeking not expecting; and it is only in this state that you can say, "I understand". It is the only state in which the mind is free, and from that state you can look at the things that are known - but not the other way round. From the known you cannot possibly see the unknown; but when once you have understood the state of a mind that is free - which is the mind that says, "I don't know" and remains unknowing, and is therefore innocent - , from that state you can function, you can be a citizen, you can be married, or what you will. Then what you do has relevance, significance in life. But we remain in the field of the known, with all its conflicts, striving, disputes, agonies, and from that field we try to find that which is unknown; therefore we are not really seeking freedom. What we want is the continuation, the extension of the same old thing: the known.
- J. Krishnamurti The Collected Works Vol. XIV Saanen 3rd Public Talk 11th July 1963

Inspiration

Just LOVE Star Jones’ Blog, Positively Star. She has a 50 point check list toward achieving your very best in 2010- Love It! You Go Girl!!!! It’s reprinted below. Check out Positively Star, it’ll brighten your day.

 

I am resolving right now that 2010 is going to be a year to show RESPECT, extend KINDNESS, grow in LOVE, and PRAISE GOD for his goodness and mercy! For all those in agreement, join me by taking the pledge to use this 50 point "handbook" to improve your HEALTH, polish your PERSONALITY, strengthen our SOCIETY and perfect our LIVES.   Star Jones.

 

THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED THAT I WILL:

1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray every single day.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than I did in 2009.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily; and while I walk...smile.
11. Not compare my life to others because I have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Say "I love you" to my partner...because I do.
13. Not have negative thoughts about things that I cannot control.
14. Invest my energy in the positive present moment.
15. Not over do it.
16. Focus on my health...because in the end...that's all that matters.
17. Make more donations to those less fortunate because regardless of my situation...I'm not missing any meals or sleeping on the street.
18. Not take myself so seriously; because no one else does.
19. Exercise more and talk about exercise less.
20. Not waste my precious energy on gossip.
21. Dream more while I'm awake.
22. Remember that envy is a waste of time. I already have all that I need.
23. Forget issues of the past.
24. Not remind my family, friends or partner of his/her mistakes of the past.
25. Not ruin my present happiness.
26. Remember that life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
27. Make peace with my past so it won't spoil my present.
28. Be in charge of my own happiness.
29. Realize that life is a school and I am here to learn and problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class; but the lessons I learn will last a lifetime.
30. Smile and laugh more.
31. Not have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
32. Call my family more often.
33. Give something good to others each day.
34. Remove all toxic people, places and things from my life.
35. Forgive everyone for everything...because it's not that deep.
36. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
37. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
38. Stay in my own lane and out of other people's business.
39. Stop worrying about what other people think of me because it is none of my business.
40. Remember that my job won't take care of me when I'm sick. My family & friends will; so I need to stay in touch with folk who matter in my life.
41. Do the right thing!
42. Call my parents...just to say thank you.
43. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
44. Open myself up to new experiences that take me out of my comfort zone.
45. Organize my personal space because excellence cannot operate in chaos.
46. Know that no matter how good or bad a situation is, it can and will change.
47. No matter how I feel...I will get up, dress up and show up.
48. Open my eyes every morning and when I realize that I am still alive; I will thank GOD for it.
49. Remember that God is in control...so I will let go and let God!
50. End my day with a prayer of thanksgiving because God has already promised that the best is yet to come.

Running Anxiety

As someone who suffers from recurring anxiety and panic attacks, Louise Hay has a terrific concept, Running Anxiety, according to Hay, this is the feeling of impending doom that one feels when life is good. She positions anxiety as a means of protection. When one becomes anxious the body immediately responds by going into “fight or flight” mode. This is the mind, in essence, preparing (protectively) the body to respond to whatever ensuing threat, be it real, physical, and present or if it’s simply “threats” that our minds (worry) creates. The sub-conscious mind and the body doesn’t know the difference between real threats and perceived threats. So running anxiety is a habitual means many of us allows to keep us on our toes. I love Hay’s theory, and I use the term often. And when I am visited by running anxiety, I simply response, “Thank you for loving me and protecting me, however, things are wonderful and there’s nothing to fear. I got this.” usually the time spent with it (because I don’t deny it nor escape from it), the time I spend feeling it, acknowledging it, loving, and releasing it, is usually enough time to calm my body, thoughts, and my nerves. A quick google search brought up the following Q/A on anxiety attacks and Louise Hay’s response.

Dear Louise,
I’ve been experiencing anxiety attacks. What should I do to avoid this awful feeling? I’ve also been very depressed, and I’ve lost faith.  G.G., Puerto Rico

Anxiety attacks can come from feeling helpless about both emotional and physical stresses encountered in daily life. Lack of B vitamins can stress the nerves; even drugs like Prozac put us at risk for panic attacks. Going through the day holding our breath can also contribute to these feelings. Your thinking is so mixed up that you’re frightening yourself.

You need to sit down and take several deep breaths and be aware that Life loves you. Say to yourself: “All is well. Out of this situation only good will come, and I am safe.” Repeat this to yourself over and over. Keep breathing. Go for a walk. Exercise is good for reducing panic. Breathe deeply as you walk, and find as many things as you can to appreciate and be grateful for. It sounds simple, but simple things work the best.

Make sure you eat well—that means no junk food. Magnesium would be good to take for your nerves. You will come out of this. You will turn your life around for the better. I know you can do it!

http://www.inlightimes.com/archives/2004/10/louise-hay.htm

Louise L Hay is a metaphysical teacher and best-selling author of 27 book s including, You Can Heal Your Life, Empowering Women, Meditations to Heal Your Life, Letters to Louise, and The Power Is Within You.  Since beginning her career as a Science of Mind minister in 1981, she has assisted thousands of people in discovering and using the full potential of their own creative powers for personal growth and self-healing. Louise’s works have been translated into 25 different languages in 33 countries.

The Importance of Being Out

A Coming Out Story

The room had a capacity of 250 and before long there was hardly room to stand. Many people, including faculty members, literally sat on the floors of the aisles. Two entire classes were in attendance and many students were given extra credit points for attending. Security guars were situated at both entrances. The event was filmed by the campus television station and covered by the local and campus newspapers.

Students were coming together to address issues that were considered taboo to address amongst a young an racially diverse crowd. With a crowd whose attitude range from the militant, “shut em down!” and la raza to the feel good, “can’t we all just get along?” anticipated a Jerry Springer type showdown.

My general impression of Chaffey College’s campus in 1994 was that the student body appeared to be self-segregated. I ha to plan something that would bring our segregated student body together. This ha to be an event that would show all skeptics that we could come together under a common cause. I planned an open forum. Utilizing the inner-club counsel, I arranged for two representatives, one male and one female, from each racial, ethnic, or otherwise historically marginal group to appear on a panel of no more then twelve participants total. The panel would address issues of race, stereotypes, and discrimination.

As I grew excited over the idea and discussed it with my academic advisor and the director of student activities there were no doubts in my mind that Lambda, the gay and lesbian student union, would also participate in the forum. It was one thing to discuss issues of racism in a group setting, discrimination and stereotyping based upon race could be an agreed upon discussion. Sexual orientation was a different matter. Many people were offended by the participation of gays within this forum, their reflected in various statements heard and over heard, “how dare they compare their lives or struggles with ours.” many felt that Lambda’s involvement would somehow (unfairly) strengthen Lambda’s “agenda” and in the process devalue other panel members valid “concerns” by association. Members of Mecha, the Black Student Union, Campus Crusade for Christ, and the Muslim Association were protesting Lambda’s participation on the panel. My biggest concern was to appear unbiased. As moderator and advocate for this “open” forum I had to keep it as inclusive as possible.

As the clock dragged towards the noon hour and the panel and audience situated themselves. Questions remained, would there be rioting or fighting, could I handle it? The energy within the room rose from simmer to boil as I addressed the panel. I encouraged the sharing of all points of view. I adamantly demanded respect and courtesy from all and towards all. “We are here to share,” I would remind all participants when hostility appeared to erupt, “we are coming from the perspective of I’m ok/you’re okay.”

The audience was fired up and as I had suspected the members of the audience representing racial groups spoke the most. From the pan to the fire is the best way of describing Lindsey and Robert, the representatives from Lambda. They were seared by the audience that at best were indifferent and at worst without compassion. Robert represented Lambda as best he could yet the audience wouldn’t give him a chance to respond to any questions or comments and any response Robert offered was cut to the quick by contempt and hostility. This blatant display of disrespect only fueled my frustration.

Robert put up a brave fight but it was clear that he had given up. Lindsey’s response of “finding a good lay” to my question of what was most difficult for her about being openly gay, gave me clear indication of where she was headed within this forum. Lindsey simply didn’t take any of seriously and her flippancy alienated many.

Something had to be done. Gay people had to be effectively represented. As moderator, I did my best to raise issues of stereotyping and discrimination regarding gays and lesbians but Robert and Lindsey could not maintain my momentum. In a crowd of 250+ there had to have been other gays and lesbians in attendance but it seemed none wanted to speak out. As moderator I kept reminding myself to remain neutral regarding both as a black gay male. My patience finally blew when, as usual in this type of forum, someone made the comment that someone always delivers in a moment of well meaning sincerity. “Why should our differences matter? We are all a part of one race- the human race.” I could no longer stand it. In what I will always remember fondly as a moment of truth for me, I countered that welling meaning statement. “yes, we are all apart of the human race. I am also an individual of many different facets. I am black, I am young and from the “hood,” I am male and I am gay. I am not feared because I am a human being, I am not a potential suspect because I’m a human being and I don’t risk being bashed for being openly human. Unfortunately, our differences matter.”

What I learned about that experience is personal accountability. You’ve got to represent. No matter what you may think of the Roberts and Lindsey’s of any marginal group, the key to combating stereotypes and intolerance is your personal responsibility in taking a stand. You have to add your unique flavor to the mix, which I discovered is the importance of being out.

O GOD I NEED THEE

I need thy sense of time
Always I have an underlying anxiety about things.
Sometimes I am in a hurry to achieve my ends
And I am completely without patience. It is hard for me
To realize that some growth is slow.
That all processes are not swift. I can’t always discriminate
Between what takes time to develop and what can be rushed,
Because my sense of time is dulled.
I measure things in terms of happenings.
O to understand the meaning of perspective
That I may do all things with a profound sense of leisure- of time.
- Howard Thurman

Journal

Sunny southern California is having major rain storms, for the past 5-6 days consistently, and I’m loving it! Let’s see, I turned in my book review and a revision of my historical question/thesis, and the professor’s response? Basically, it’s not quite there, keep trying. Oh well, that I will do! I have several articles on the Middle East, gender, sexuality and the regulation of sexuality and how this regulation relates to power- which is my topic. I will read these over the weekend- mainly Sunday-Tuesday. I also have to read, The Rule of Saint’s Benedict and write a 3 page analysis. This paper is for my history of religion in the middle of age class, the middle east paper is for my intro to historical research class. So I have a lot of reading till Tuesday. I also want to have the first draft of the Middle ages paper completed and perhaps have someone at the writing center proof it. I’ve been up since 4am, it’s 9:30am now reading The Rule of Saint Benedict- well reading, writing, taking notes and so on. Actually, I woke up at 3:30ish, meditation and just spent a little quiet time in spirit. After spending a little more time with Saint Benedict, I’ll either take a knap and go workout or go workout and come back and take a knap.

Appreciating Our Past

It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth. Our past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving. The relationships we entered, stayed in, or ended taught us necessary lessons. Some of us have emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who we are and what we want.

Our mistakes? Necessary. Our frustrations, failures, and sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress? Necessary too. Each step of the way, we learned. We through exactly the experiences we needed to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed.

Is our past a mistake? No. the only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth.
The Language of Letting Go
- Melody Beattie

Wisdom

“Labor not as one who is wretched, nor yet as one who would be pitied or admired. Direct yourself to one thing only, to put yourself in motion and to check yourself at all times.” Marcus Aurelius: Meditations

Vulnerability

Some of us may have made a decision that no one was ever going to hurt us again. We may automatically go on “feelings freeze mode” when faced with emotional pain. Or, we may terminate a relationship the first time we feel hurt. Hurt feelings are a part of life, relationships, and recovery. It is understandable that we don’t want to feel any more pain. Many of us have had more than our share. In fact, at some time in our life, we may have been overwhelmed, crushed, or stopped in our tracks by the amount of pain we felt. We may have had the resources to cope with our pain or take care of ourselves.

That was yesterday. Today, we don’t have to be so frightened of pain. It does not have to overwhelm us. We are becoming strong enough to deal with hurt feelings. And we don’t have to become martyrs, claiming that hurt feelings and suffering are all there is to life. We need only allow ourselves to feel vulnerable enough to feel hurt, when that’s appropriate, and take responsibility for our feelings, behaviors, and what we need to do to take care of ourselves. We don’t have to analyze or justify our feelings. Weed to feel them, and try not let them control our behavior

Maybe our pain is showing us we need to set a boundary; maybe it’s showing us we’re going in a wrong direction; maybe it’s triggering a deep healing process. It’s okay to feel hurt; it’s okay to cry; it’s okay to heal; it’s okay to move on to the next feeling, when it’s time. Our willingness and capacity to feel hurt will eventually be matched by our willingness and capacity to feel joy. Being in recovery does not mean immunity from pain; it mean learning to take loving care of ourselves when we are in pain.

Taken from, The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.
The Author of Codependent No More, and Beyond Codependency.

Affirmation

“Today I will praise my inner child for her achievements, knowing that even the smallest deserves recognition. I am proud of her ideas and her efforts. Her voice grows stronger, her eyes shine with pride in herself as each day she tells me of her progress. Empowered by this feeling, she understands that she is worthy of success.” Affirmations for the Inner Child”

Prayer

“I pray to be led into a new way of thinking about the difficulties I have to face. A new point of view will put them into perspective and reduce them to manageable size. I pray especially to resist exaggerating my trouble until they overwhelm me.”
Al-Anon ODAAT 2/8th

Journal

Let’s see, well, I have gas like a motherfucker! Don’t know if I mentioned it already but Sean- jubilee, reappeared in my life. He ended up being a guest of brother David’s last Sunday. That was a shock! I haven’t seen Sean in like 5-6 years!- if not longer. He’s been texting me all day. He’s excited as hell over our reconnecting, so this should be interesting. Not sure how much he’s evolved but I know I’ve evolved a great deal. Not sure what his level of maturity is. Not sure if this reconnection would be a step forward, or going backwards but I’m willing to find out.

So far, so good. Thus far all assignments have been completed and turned in on time. I’ve been following the advice of my instructors- which is a major accomplishment for me! lol! Life is basically, a little homework/studies and a nap, and repeat! Lol. Until I get the “big” 4-5 hour sleep. But what’s most important is that I’m getting the job done. I’m doing the research, readings- active readings, and writing/taking notes, and composing drafts during my readings/note taking! As my professors tell us, one doesn’t necessarily sit down and write a research paper- the research paper is in essence a patchwork quilt which eventually comes together- gradually and routinely. As they reinforce, its all about the steps- you can’t bypass the steps. In the past, I would overwhelm myself with far too much research and then, at the last minute, a day or two before the paper’s due- sit down and try and write the research paper basically from beginning to end based upon the highlighting I did during my readings! Hey, at least I highlighted and wrote notes within my readings! Lol. This was progress for me! Today I realize, I must write the paper in pieces as I conduct the research.

New Beginnings- Again and again!

Affirmation
“Change Comes Easy For Me”

Affirmation
“the idea career for me is waiting for me. It will arrive on time and in a joyous wonderful surprising fashion.”

I wrote the following journal entry during Spring break of last year. The beginning of my year sucked ass! So much going on with family, friends, and career. Lack of focus and discipline with school and my graduate career. My co-dependency and toxic coping skills had reached a point where close friends had been purged from my dysfunctional life at that point. I ended up during spring break at a clear bottom- not rock bottom, but clearly at a low. It was during spring break of 09 that I set up a plan of recovery. I have a personal program/plan of recovery based upon years of life, readings, studying and so forth. I can mention many many names, Louise Hay, A course in miracles, Al-anon, Coda, Marianne Williamson, Iyanla Vanzandt, Jesus/Church, community activism, volunteering, the laws of attraction, Abraham-Hicks, Wayne Dyer, Unity Church, Ernest Holmes and so on and so on and so on. The point wasn’t to find a “way” or a program, or a group or a meeting- the point was, once again, I had gotten off track.

On March 25th 2009, I wrote…

So many things. I think I’m basically in a good place. I am definitely in an uncomfortable place. For the most part things on the home front and school front are going well. I’m working on acceptance and release- I’m working on just being and not complicating my life- simplifying. I feel like I have a new can of play dough and I can open and begin creating what I feel I need to create. I feel like I’ve conquered all obstacles I’ve faced in the past 2-3 years and I’m on fresh and solid ground. This spring break has been interesting in that I haven’t taken on any major challenges nor have I done any excessive worrying/stressing. With both mom and Phap working my days have been pretty bothersome free. For the most part I read and workout into the wee morning hours and I sleep until between 11am-1pm. I surf the net, pick up Phap and basically repeat. This spring break has been physically and mentally quite different than spring breaks past. I think a part of it is that my norms- aren’t as they were. Again, its been about simplifying. I’ve read several chapters of books- the violet quill and black queer studies, I’ve been working out, I’ve gone to church, I’ve journaled, and of course I’ve had my pleasurable readings. My days have been spent stress free and alone- which has been nice, very different and getting used to but nice.

There’s a part of me that simply wants to renew- start all over. Breathe and calm down. A part of me that wants to start renewed- not erase the me that is me now. Not like back in the day (particularly when I was a teen) who was always “reinventing” myself- not at all. This me, I like. I think what it is, is that I want to compete with myself. I want to challenge myself- physically, mentally, spiritually…

Physically- I want to step up my game. I want my 6pack. I want to stick to my diet/healthy eating habits. Right now its mostly diet. I want to detoxify. I want to at least cleanse my body of the sleeping pills- the dream of course would mean that I wouldn’t rely on them at all.

Mentally- I want to be focused, strong, and determined. I think has more to do with priorities and career. Being focused, consistent, reliable, stepping up my game when it comes to my commitments, school, and career. And definitely, keeping it simply. I want to be strong in my marriage and relationships with family and friends. In most ways I feel I’m doing quite well. Its almost like for so long I’ve been focusing on the other/external and for the most part all of this is good. I’m just going to have to let friends and family be. Give them the information they need and be strong and solid in my focus and work. Seems like at this point I’m working on me. Yeah, I really believe this. Like I need to develop a program for myself not one that necessarily is about “becoming” but more on the level of “sustaining” and “reaching” and “pushing/challenging.”

Spiritually- really committing. This isn’t a criticism actually. I think this is simply an area of discovery for me. Its really about just being committed to the search/discovery. I’m liking unity fellowship riverside. I simply need to be consistent. I also need to commit to the next 5-6 days of detox, actually I think I’m going to do this- simply to clear my mind and body for starting school.

I think what I will do is forego any plans/agendas- the truth of the matter is I have none. I should simply commit the next few days to detox, keeping it simple- staying close to home. Yep, this actually sounds good and seems responsible.

On March 26th 2009, I wrote…

Anyways, I’m kinda dizzy. I’m doing a cleanse/fast thing. A modification on the “master cleanse” in that I’m also drinking juice and eating plain yogurt. It’s my first day really. This is also a bit different for me in that usually I’ll do a sea salt cleanse or you know- castor oil. To be honest I’m doing this more to cleanse my body of the sleep aids, so we’ll see. Basically this cleanse/detox isn’t about dieting/nor eating right being that I’m mainly concerned with cleaning the sleep aids out of my system, we’ll see how it goes. Right now I’m sort of feeling like shit BUT I don’t think the cleanse has really taken effect. We’ll see what I feel like by Saturday or later this weekend. I’m not sure how long I’ll do the detox/cleanse thing. Actually with the master cleanse you’re supposed to do 10 days- I’m considering 7- at the most.

I ended up doing 10 days of the master cleanse- and it was a horrible experience! lol

Oh Boy- Oh Boy!!!! This quarter is going to be a trip and a half!!!!!! I’m trying to step up my game. I’m trying to simplify and stay focused. I’m trying to work through some of my barriers and this is in all aspects of my life. I have to do me at a level I haven’t done- at all. This is both scary and exciting.

March 27th 2009, The day after the above entry, once the withdraws began to kick in, I wrote…

In some ways I am just dying here! LOL! I’m miserable as hell. Mostly I’m good- I think. I mean this fast/detox thing is killing me. I think the detoxing from the sleeping pills is the worst. I mean, I pretty much play it close to home. The day before I mowed the lawn and I’ve been working out, hell yesterday I did a double of cardio. Tonight I did both cardio and weights- however, I’m dying! I (finally) threw up which wasn’t even my plan. I’m trying to do this the smart way- whatever that means! LOL! But I didn’t want to do a cleanse/fast/detox- so I went for detox and sort of fast- I’ve primarily been drinking liquored and juices and shit with plain yogurt here and there- but lots of water. The only solids- and very very little of these have been nuts (almonds/pecans) and today I added blueberries to my yogurt. I tried that damn “master cleanse” lemonade- I think that’s the shit that’s made me nauseous the past 3 days, anyways, I came home and had the genius idea of taking a spoon full of fiber- not a good idea. I proceeded to hiccup. Anyways, long story short- I induced vomiting which last a good 10-15mins- Very Gross! So now I am here in bed- 4am feeling lightheaded, some indigestion, chills, and a headache. The post vomit indigestion and belches are the worst but the dizzy/lightheadedness is annoying as well! Of well, I’m thinking/hoping these symptoms are mainly from detoxing from the sleep-aids, withdraws, GOD I HOPE these are the withdraws, if this is the case I simply have to soldier through them. Last time I detoxed from sleeping pills and shit, I went through this bullshit. The headaches, dizziness, and lightheadedness I think was pretty much the same- actually this time I’m experiencing more sickness in the stomach but I am less down and out. Last time my body was aching and I pretty much felt out of it most of the day- back then, if I recall, I was able to do like 30mins of cardio a couple times a day and this was pushing it, I do (body wise) have more energy- I must also say that despite the “dizzi-headi-lighty-ness” I a sharp and clear of mind, its just that after a while the “dizzi-headi-lighty-ness” becomes draining. I can actually sustain my focus, and remain clear of mind, its just I have to rest/lay down often- as I think of this, I really think it may be withdraws… I was up to (depending on the day) 16-24 sleep aids a day the past two weeks! WOW! I just really gave that some thought! Perhaps it is withdraws!?

Today's Journal Entry, January 18th 2010...

LMAO! Actually the master cleanse lead into a 40 day “fast.” and all in all life was good, for about three months! I was hitting tens on all levels, until, my summer classes were cut- and my graduate teaching assistantship position. For the summer I was out of grad school and out of work and quite dejected. Gradually, the food returned- especially the “comfort” foods, worry, stress, anxiety and sleepless returned- which of course lead back to the Sleep Aids. Unable to find work and being under pressure to help out- long story will unfold throughout 2010, and simply wanting to do my part in my marriage, I decided, rather than return to grad school, I would find work. Bad idea. This choice will also unfold through my blog, throughout 2010, no doubt.

Anyways, the point of the above walk down memory lane? After my wonderful cleansing, fasting, spiritual, physical and emotional personal improvement- I gradually, slowly finished the 09 as I had started it, at a bottom.

However, with all do respect. I finished 2009 more having backslide rather than actually hitting a bottom, before the end of the year I had gotten control of the sleep aid taking. And trust me, I was only taking a fraction of what I’d been taking (and less often- not daily) at the start of the year- however, may goal is to conquer the need/dependence. My nutrition while not bad- as my best friend always reminds, my “bad” eating habits, are most people’s normal. I don’t have a food addiction or disorder of any kind. When I write of nutrition, I’m simply seeking top healthy/nutritious eating habits. Actually, for the most part, my health, exercise, and nutrition is quite good. Therefore, basically, I like to shoot for an A+ rather than settling for a B’s and As! Lol.

The main point of this journal entry, is that as 2010 starts fresh and new- so shall I. The details of my life will unfold throughout this journal/blog in time for those who don’t know me.

Everything’s Naygii New Direction- The Interview!

A quick short dialogue with my good “friend” Iola B. actually, he goes by, Iola B. Nigga Fag, but why be formal. When I told he I was going to relaunch Everything’s Naygii, Iola had a few questions. And it went a lil sumthing like this…

(Iola B.)Nigga, you ain’t wrote shit in like 7 or 8 months, why you dusting off this moldy ass blog?
Greatly personal reasons. This blog will function more as a daily dairy or journal. Why make it publish- am I just an attention whore! Hmmmm, Tila Tequila, I’m not. I believe I am making this a public journal/dairy simply to give the act of maintaining it more importance. There’s definitely more involved in the maintenance and upkeep of a blog. Rather than occasional journaling, I’m challenging myself to maintain and “operate” a public blog. Not only am I challenging (or inviting myself) to be accountable, but I’m also I’m faced with facing my thoughts/ I’m faced with a creation that I’ve (hopefully) kept for a year. A public endeavor is not something that I can simply walk away from so easily. Unlike a personal and private journal, I can file it away on the computer and never looking back on. Again, a blog is a creation that takes becomes a character of its own. I’m a bit fascinated with creating and observing Everything’s Naygii’s development. Which as extension, would give me a chance to observe my own development throughout 2010.

So, really you’re just vain and stuck on yourself?
Perhaps. Some would say that I am.

I would be one of “some” who would say so.
You got jokes!

Anyways, Again, what makes you different than some sort of media/attention whore?
Well, I’m definitely not seeking fame nor recognition. Actually this leads to another point. This blog is a daily journal/dairy primarily for me. That I’ve chosen to make it public means that it’s elevated beyond a personal venture. However, I am not attempting to create an “Online Community” I’m not trying to have a million/billion followers or friends. I’m not trying make friends at all- I actually have friends! Lol. And my friends will, no doubt, be “introduced” throughout the year. I’m not attempting to create a self-help/Oprah.com experience. If folks choose to follow Everything’s Naygii- Great. people are more than welcomed to follow the hot mess that is my life. However, I’m not asking for help nor commentary regarding my life. However, if folks choose to comment- great, however note- I AM NOT LOOKING TO ESTABLISH A DIALOGUE, FRIENDSHIP, OR “COMMUNITY” OF ANY KIND WITH ANYONE. If folks choose to follow this blog and if what I post and share regarding my “so called life” sparks debate, interest, conflict, confusion, controversy- y’all feel free to share but I’m not here to engage in dialogue. I’m simply here to create a kind of “year in the life” blog experience for myself and some of my friends. Look at it this way, for those of you familiar with the old Mystery Science Theater 3000 B movie cable program. As the aliens of this cult cable series watched B-movies every week and sat in the “audience” and committed on the movies being shown, feel free to comment, strike up dialogue, and discussions- however, I’m not here to participate. The blog is simply the “B-movie” called my life! LMAO!

Nigga, is you gon hire an editor? You call yourself a Grad student and you’re just gon let your shit roll like that?! Without proof reading, no editing and shit?!
No editor, nor editing! LOL. I’m okay with it. I’m going to keep it raw. I’ll let it roll out as is, in its rough draft form. I ain’t tryin at get an A, I just wanna Pass, for now.

Bitch, you got issues!
Exactly! LOL! To quote Jeremy Irons as Claus Von Bulow, in the movie Reversal of Fortune, “You have no idea!” but as the year progresses, those following my hot mess of a blog and life, will have a better idea!

So what can peeps expect?
Anything and everything. My interests are broad, my humor tends to be dry, random, and ironic. I am co-dependent, attracted to/cling to toxic relationships, and prone to running anxiety. You may get anything and everything a Jack Macfarlane rant, I may have a Malcolm X moment and stand atop my soap box, a Woody Allen anxiety/panic attack, a classic In Living Color- Men’s On Film review, Hated it!, deep spiritual Marianne Williamson/Oprah posts, Hell even Chrisy Snow ditzy may be the order of some days- who knows!? Y’all may even get some James Baldwin and Niki Giovanni!

Malcolm, Chrissy Snow- I can’t wait for those moments. The Oprah/Marianne shit I get all the damn time! LOL!
Anyways, Folks, may love and/or despise me. To be honest, I don’t really care. The point of the blog is personal. It’s about me, started a commitment and maintaining that commitment, at the end of the year- this year, the goal isn’t necessarily about whether I’ve changed or grown, whether folks (the online community) come to like, love, respect, hate or loath me, my public accountability revolves around, whether or not I’ve maintained the blog for an entire year- this is the challenge that I’m actually making public. Can I maintain a daily blog, for 2010? The shape, direct, focus, personality, and character of the blog will develop throughout 2010.

So basically that’s the new Everything’s Naygii, and everything I have to post on that. Yo, Iola B., Thanks for asking.

Anytime, my Nigga!

While mowing the lawn, I reflected, I am an adult, an adult male. I am grown. I basically grew up in this neighborhood going from young man to middle-aged married man. I am very much a part of this neighborhood as reflected in my neighbor Al’s eyes, and both older neighbor’s- Mr. Hobbes and the other old guy, Bob! LOL! They were middle aged back when I teen and post-teen wearing ripped Levis and oversized overalls backward- I’m not the only who bought into Kris Kross and Cross Colors! On the road to middle age, I’ve seen many kids/babies become young man and young women and currently I’ve watch younger kids becoming teens/young adults and babies becoming school aged. I come home from school or the gym and teens are playing streetball. I considered all of this as I mowed the lawn and I realized, I am/have been perhaps the most consistent and positive black male within my age bracket who has remained in this neighborhood- oh there are several others who have been in and out of the neighborhood for years- in and out meaning in and out of jail/prison/rehab. I realized as I mowed the lawn when the kids/children/teens watch me, I am a role model- not only as a man but as a black man, as a son, as an adult, as a partner/husband.

I am a black man consist, loving, living and alive and the community watches. I represent my gender and my race- and my sexual orientation in how I treat my mom, how I treat women in general, how I treat my home, how I conduct myself- I am seen, I am a representative whether I am alone or whether my partner and I are together- food shopping, doing laundry, washing the car, or just arriving home from work and/or school. Furthermore, how I am loving and respectful is reflected in my public interactions between my partner and me. By no stretch of the imagination am I attempting to interpret responses/reactions/actions of others. I simply acknowledge eyes are watching- small eyes and large eyes, glancing eyes, staring eyes, steady eyes, young eyes and old eyes, male eyes and female eyes, straight and gay eyes, out eyes and in eyes, eyes green, brown, hazel, black and blue eyes are watching. This reflection, these thoughts made me stand a little taller, chest poking out a bit broader, as a proud, satisfied smile crossed my face. I look forward to continuing in those old men’s foot steps. The foot steps that lead the way for me, here’s to Mr. Hobbes, Bob, and Al.