New Beginnings- Again and again!

Affirmation
“Change Comes Easy For Me”

Affirmation
“the idea career for me is waiting for me. It will arrive on time and in a joyous wonderful surprising fashion.”

I wrote the following journal entry during Spring break of last year. The beginning of my year sucked ass! So much going on with family, friends, and career. Lack of focus and discipline with school and my graduate career. My co-dependency and toxic coping skills had reached a point where close friends had been purged from my dysfunctional life at that point. I ended up during spring break at a clear bottom- not rock bottom, but clearly at a low. It was during spring break of 09 that I set up a plan of recovery. I have a personal program/plan of recovery based upon years of life, readings, studying and so forth. I can mention many many names, Louise Hay, A course in miracles, Al-anon, Coda, Marianne Williamson, Iyanla Vanzandt, Jesus/Church, community activism, volunteering, the laws of attraction, Abraham-Hicks, Wayne Dyer, Unity Church, Ernest Holmes and so on and so on and so on. The point wasn’t to find a “way” or a program, or a group or a meeting- the point was, once again, I had gotten off track.

On March 25th 2009, I wrote…

So many things. I think I’m basically in a good place. I am definitely in an uncomfortable place. For the most part things on the home front and school front are going well. I’m working on acceptance and release- I’m working on just being and not complicating my life- simplifying. I feel like I have a new can of play dough and I can open and begin creating what I feel I need to create. I feel like I’ve conquered all obstacles I’ve faced in the past 2-3 years and I’m on fresh and solid ground. This spring break has been interesting in that I haven’t taken on any major challenges nor have I done any excessive worrying/stressing. With both mom and Phap working my days have been pretty bothersome free. For the most part I read and workout into the wee morning hours and I sleep until between 11am-1pm. I surf the net, pick up Phap and basically repeat. This spring break has been physically and mentally quite different than spring breaks past. I think a part of it is that my norms- aren’t as they were. Again, its been about simplifying. I’ve read several chapters of books- the violet quill and black queer studies, I’ve been working out, I’ve gone to church, I’ve journaled, and of course I’ve had my pleasurable readings. My days have been spent stress free and alone- which has been nice, very different and getting used to but nice.

There’s a part of me that simply wants to renew- start all over. Breathe and calm down. A part of me that wants to start renewed- not erase the me that is me now. Not like back in the day (particularly when I was a teen) who was always “reinventing” myself- not at all. This me, I like. I think what it is, is that I want to compete with myself. I want to challenge myself- physically, mentally, spiritually…

Physically- I want to step up my game. I want my 6pack. I want to stick to my diet/healthy eating habits. Right now its mostly diet. I want to detoxify. I want to at least cleanse my body of the sleeping pills- the dream of course would mean that I wouldn’t rely on them at all.

Mentally- I want to be focused, strong, and determined. I think has more to do with priorities and career. Being focused, consistent, reliable, stepping up my game when it comes to my commitments, school, and career. And definitely, keeping it simply. I want to be strong in my marriage and relationships with family and friends. In most ways I feel I’m doing quite well. Its almost like for so long I’ve been focusing on the other/external and for the most part all of this is good. I’m just going to have to let friends and family be. Give them the information they need and be strong and solid in my focus and work. Seems like at this point I’m working on me. Yeah, I really believe this. Like I need to develop a program for myself not one that necessarily is about “becoming” but more on the level of “sustaining” and “reaching” and “pushing/challenging.”

Spiritually- really committing. This isn’t a criticism actually. I think this is simply an area of discovery for me. Its really about just being committed to the search/discovery. I’m liking unity fellowship riverside. I simply need to be consistent. I also need to commit to the next 5-6 days of detox, actually I think I’m going to do this- simply to clear my mind and body for starting school.

I think what I will do is forego any plans/agendas- the truth of the matter is I have none. I should simply commit the next few days to detox, keeping it simple- staying close to home. Yep, this actually sounds good and seems responsible.

On March 26th 2009, I wrote…

Anyways, I’m kinda dizzy. I’m doing a cleanse/fast thing. A modification on the “master cleanse” in that I’m also drinking juice and eating plain yogurt. It’s my first day really. This is also a bit different for me in that usually I’ll do a sea salt cleanse or you know- castor oil. To be honest I’m doing this more to cleanse my body of the sleep aids, so we’ll see. Basically this cleanse/detox isn’t about dieting/nor eating right being that I’m mainly concerned with cleaning the sleep aids out of my system, we’ll see how it goes. Right now I’m sort of feeling like shit BUT I don’t think the cleanse has really taken effect. We’ll see what I feel like by Saturday or later this weekend. I’m not sure how long I’ll do the detox/cleanse thing. Actually with the master cleanse you’re supposed to do 10 days- I’m considering 7- at the most.

I ended up doing 10 days of the master cleanse- and it was a horrible experience! lol

Oh Boy- Oh Boy!!!! This quarter is going to be a trip and a half!!!!!! I’m trying to step up my game. I’m trying to simplify and stay focused. I’m trying to work through some of my barriers and this is in all aspects of my life. I have to do me at a level I haven’t done- at all. This is both scary and exciting.

March 27th 2009, The day after the above entry, once the withdraws began to kick in, I wrote…

In some ways I am just dying here! LOL! I’m miserable as hell. Mostly I’m good- I think. I mean this fast/detox thing is killing me. I think the detoxing from the sleeping pills is the worst. I mean, I pretty much play it close to home. The day before I mowed the lawn and I’ve been working out, hell yesterday I did a double of cardio. Tonight I did both cardio and weights- however, I’m dying! I (finally) threw up which wasn’t even my plan. I’m trying to do this the smart way- whatever that means! LOL! But I didn’t want to do a cleanse/fast/detox- so I went for detox and sort of fast- I’ve primarily been drinking liquored and juices and shit with plain yogurt here and there- but lots of water. The only solids- and very very little of these have been nuts (almonds/pecans) and today I added blueberries to my yogurt. I tried that damn “master cleanse” lemonade- I think that’s the shit that’s made me nauseous the past 3 days, anyways, I came home and had the genius idea of taking a spoon full of fiber- not a good idea. I proceeded to hiccup. Anyways, long story short- I induced vomiting which last a good 10-15mins- Very Gross! So now I am here in bed- 4am feeling lightheaded, some indigestion, chills, and a headache. The post vomit indigestion and belches are the worst but the dizzy/lightheadedness is annoying as well! Of well, I’m thinking/hoping these symptoms are mainly from detoxing from the sleep-aids, withdraws, GOD I HOPE these are the withdraws, if this is the case I simply have to soldier through them. Last time I detoxed from sleeping pills and shit, I went through this bullshit. The headaches, dizziness, and lightheadedness I think was pretty much the same- actually this time I’m experiencing more sickness in the stomach but I am less down and out. Last time my body was aching and I pretty much felt out of it most of the day- back then, if I recall, I was able to do like 30mins of cardio a couple times a day and this was pushing it, I do (body wise) have more energy- I must also say that despite the “dizzi-headi-lighty-ness” I a sharp and clear of mind, its just that after a while the “dizzi-headi-lighty-ness” becomes draining. I can actually sustain my focus, and remain clear of mind, its just I have to rest/lay down often- as I think of this, I really think it may be withdraws… I was up to (depending on the day) 16-24 sleep aids a day the past two weeks! WOW! I just really gave that some thought! Perhaps it is withdraws!?

Today's Journal Entry, January 18th 2010...

LMAO! Actually the master cleanse lead into a 40 day “fast.” and all in all life was good, for about three months! I was hitting tens on all levels, until, my summer classes were cut- and my graduate teaching assistantship position. For the summer I was out of grad school and out of work and quite dejected. Gradually, the food returned- especially the “comfort” foods, worry, stress, anxiety and sleepless returned- which of course lead back to the Sleep Aids. Unable to find work and being under pressure to help out- long story will unfold throughout 2010, and simply wanting to do my part in my marriage, I decided, rather than return to grad school, I would find work. Bad idea. This choice will also unfold through my blog, throughout 2010, no doubt.

Anyways, the point of the above walk down memory lane? After my wonderful cleansing, fasting, spiritual, physical and emotional personal improvement- I gradually, slowly finished the 09 as I had started it, at a bottom.

However, with all do respect. I finished 2009 more having backslide rather than actually hitting a bottom, before the end of the year I had gotten control of the sleep aid taking. And trust me, I was only taking a fraction of what I’d been taking (and less often- not daily) at the start of the year- however, may goal is to conquer the need/dependence. My nutrition while not bad- as my best friend always reminds, my “bad” eating habits, are most people’s normal. I don’t have a food addiction or disorder of any kind. When I write of nutrition, I’m simply seeking top healthy/nutritious eating habits. Actually, for the most part, my health, exercise, and nutrition is quite good. Therefore, basically, I like to shoot for an A+ rather than settling for a B’s and As! Lol.

The main point of this journal entry, is that as 2010 starts fresh and new- so shall I. The details of my life will unfold throughout this journal/blog in time for those who don’t know me.