Vulnerability

Some of us may have made a decision that no one was ever going to hurt us again. We may automatically go on “feelings freeze mode” when faced with emotional pain. Or, we may terminate a relationship the first time we feel hurt. Hurt feelings are a part of life, relationships, and recovery. It is understandable that we don’t want to feel any more pain. Many of us have had more than our share. In fact, at some time in our life, we may have been overwhelmed, crushed, or stopped in our tracks by the amount of pain we felt. We may have had the resources to cope with our pain or take care of ourselves.

That was yesterday. Today, we don’t have to be so frightened of pain. It does not have to overwhelm us. We are becoming strong enough to deal with hurt feelings. And we don’t have to become martyrs, claiming that hurt feelings and suffering are all there is to life. We need only allow ourselves to feel vulnerable enough to feel hurt, when that’s appropriate, and take responsibility for our feelings, behaviors, and what we need to do to take care of ourselves. We don’t have to analyze or justify our feelings. Weed to feel them, and try not let them control our behavior

Maybe our pain is showing us we need to set a boundary; maybe it’s showing us we’re going in a wrong direction; maybe it’s triggering a deep healing process. It’s okay to feel hurt; it’s okay to cry; it’s okay to heal; it’s okay to move on to the next feeling, when it’s time. Our willingness and capacity to feel hurt will eventually be matched by our willingness and capacity to feel joy. Being in recovery does not mean immunity from pain; it mean learning to take loving care of ourselves when we are in pain.

Taken from, The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.
The Author of Codependent No More, and Beyond Codependency.

Affirmation

“Today I will praise my inner child for her achievements, knowing that even the smallest deserves recognition. I am proud of her ideas and her efforts. Her voice grows stronger, her eyes shine with pride in herself as each day she tells me of her progress. Empowered by this feeling, she understands that she is worthy of success.” Affirmations for the Inner Child”

Prayer

“I pray to be led into a new way of thinking about the difficulties I have to face. A new point of view will put them into perspective and reduce them to manageable size. I pray especially to resist exaggerating my trouble until they overwhelm me.”
Al-Anon ODAAT 2/8th

Journal

Let’s see, well, I have gas like a motherfucker! Don’t know if I mentioned it already but Sean- jubilee, reappeared in my life. He ended up being a guest of brother David’s last Sunday. That was a shock! I haven’t seen Sean in like 5-6 years!- if not longer. He’s been texting me all day. He’s excited as hell over our reconnecting, so this should be interesting. Not sure how much he’s evolved but I know I’ve evolved a great deal. Not sure what his level of maturity is. Not sure if this reconnection would be a step forward, or going backwards but I’m willing to find out.

So far, so good. Thus far all assignments have been completed and turned in on time. I’ve been following the advice of my instructors- which is a major accomplishment for me! lol! Life is basically, a little homework/studies and a nap, and repeat! Lol. Until I get the “big” 4-5 hour sleep. But what’s most important is that I’m getting the job done. I’m doing the research, readings- active readings, and writing/taking notes, and composing drafts during my readings/note taking! As my professors tell us, one doesn’t necessarily sit down and write a research paper- the research paper is in essence a patchwork quilt which eventually comes together- gradually and routinely. As they reinforce, its all about the steps- you can’t bypass the steps. In the past, I would overwhelm myself with far too much research and then, at the last minute, a day or two before the paper’s due- sit down and try and write the research paper basically from beginning to end based upon the highlighting I did during my readings! Hey, at least I highlighted and wrote notes within my readings! Lol. This was progress for me! Today I realize, I must write the paper in pieces as I conduct the research.

New Beginnings- Again and again!

Affirmation
“Change Comes Easy For Me”

Affirmation
“the idea career for me is waiting for me. It will arrive on time and in a joyous wonderful surprising fashion.”

I wrote the following journal entry during Spring break of last year. The beginning of my year sucked ass! So much going on with family, friends, and career. Lack of focus and discipline with school and my graduate career. My co-dependency and toxic coping skills had reached a point where close friends had been purged from my dysfunctional life at that point. I ended up during spring break at a clear bottom- not rock bottom, but clearly at a low. It was during spring break of 09 that I set up a plan of recovery. I have a personal program/plan of recovery based upon years of life, readings, studying and so forth. I can mention many many names, Louise Hay, A course in miracles, Al-anon, Coda, Marianne Williamson, Iyanla Vanzandt, Jesus/Church, community activism, volunteering, the laws of attraction, Abraham-Hicks, Wayne Dyer, Unity Church, Ernest Holmes and so on and so on and so on. The point wasn’t to find a “way” or a program, or a group or a meeting- the point was, once again, I had gotten off track.

On March 25th 2009, I wrote…

So many things. I think I’m basically in a good place. I am definitely in an uncomfortable place. For the most part things on the home front and school front are going well. I’m working on acceptance and release- I’m working on just being and not complicating my life- simplifying. I feel like I have a new can of play dough and I can open and begin creating what I feel I need to create. I feel like I’ve conquered all obstacles I’ve faced in the past 2-3 years and I’m on fresh and solid ground. This spring break has been interesting in that I haven’t taken on any major challenges nor have I done any excessive worrying/stressing. With both mom and Phap working my days have been pretty bothersome free. For the most part I read and workout into the wee morning hours and I sleep until between 11am-1pm. I surf the net, pick up Phap and basically repeat. This spring break has been physically and mentally quite different than spring breaks past. I think a part of it is that my norms- aren’t as they were. Again, its been about simplifying. I’ve read several chapters of books- the violet quill and black queer studies, I’ve been working out, I’ve gone to church, I’ve journaled, and of course I’ve had my pleasurable readings. My days have been spent stress free and alone- which has been nice, very different and getting used to but nice.

There’s a part of me that simply wants to renew- start all over. Breathe and calm down. A part of me that wants to start renewed- not erase the me that is me now. Not like back in the day (particularly when I was a teen) who was always “reinventing” myself- not at all. This me, I like. I think what it is, is that I want to compete with myself. I want to challenge myself- physically, mentally, spiritually…

Physically- I want to step up my game. I want my 6pack. I want to stick to my diet/healthy eating habits. Right now its mostly diet. I want to detoxify. I want to at least cleanse my body of the sleeping pills- the dream of course would mean that I wouldn’t rely on them at all.

Mentally- I want to be focused, strong, and determined. I think has more to do with priorities and career. Being focused, consistent, reliable, stepping up my game when it comes to my commitments, school, and career. And definitely, keeping it simply. I want to be strong in my marriage and relationships with family and friends. In most ways I feel I’m doing quite well. Its almost like for so long I’ve been focusing on the other/external and for the most part all of this is good. I’m just going to have to let friends and family be. Give them the information they need and be strong and solid in my focus and work. Seems like at this point I’m working on me. Yeah, I really believe this. Like I need to develop a program for myself not one that necessarily is about “becoming” but more on the level of “sustaining” and “reaching” and “pushing/challenging.”

Spiritually- really committing. This isn’t a criticism actually. I think this is simply an area of discovery for me. Its really about just being committed to the search/discovery. I’m liking unity fellowship riverside. I simply need to be consistent. I also need to commit to the next 5-6 days of detox, actually I think I’m going to do this- simply to clear my mind and body for starting school.

I think what I will do is forego any plans/agendas- the truth of the matter is I have none. I should simply commit the next few days to detox, keeping it simple- staying close to home. Yep, this actually sounds good and seems responsible.

On March 26th 2009, I wrote…

Anyways, I’m kinda dizzy. I’m doing a cleanse/fast thing. A modification on the “master cleanse” in that I’m also drinking juice and eating plain yogurt. It’s my first day really. This is also a bit different for me in that usually I’ll do a sea salt cleanse or you know- castor oil. To be honest I’m doing this more to cleanse my body of the sleep aids, so we’ll see. Basically this cleanse/detox isn’t about dieting/nor eating right being that I’m mainly concerned with cleaning the sleep aids out of my system, we’ll see how it goes. Right now I’m sort of feeling like shit BUT I don’t think the cleanse has really taken effect. We’ll see what I feel like by Saturday or later this weekend. I’m not sure how long I’ll do the detox/cleanse thing. Actually with the master cleanse you’re supposed to do 10 days- I’m considering 7- at the most.

I ended up doing 10 days of the master cleanse- and it was a horrible experience! lol

Oh Boy- Oh Boy!!!! This quarter is going to be a trip and a half!!!!!! I’m trying to step up my game. I’m trying to simplify and stay focused. I’m trying to work through some of my barriers and this is in all aspects of my life. I have to do me at a level I haven’t done- at all. This is both scary and exciting.

March 27th 2009, The day after the above entry, once the withdraws began to kick in, I wrote…

In some ways I am just dying here! LOL! I’m miserable as hell. Mostly I’m good- I think. I mean this fast/detox thing is killing me. I think the detoxing from the sleeping pills is the worst. I mean, I pretty much play it close to home. The day before I mowed the lawn and I’ve been working out, hell yesterday I did a double of cardio. Tonight I did both cardio and weights- however, I’m dying! I (finally) threw up which wasn’t even my plan. I’m trying to do this the smart way- whatever that means! LOL! But I didn’t want to do a cleanse/fast/detox- so I went for detox and sort of fast- I’ve primarily been drinking liquored and juices and shit with plain yogurt here and there- but lots of water. The only solids- and very very little of these have been nuts (almonds/pecans) and today I added blueberries to my yogurt. I tried that damn “master cleanse” lemonade- I think that’s the shit that’s made me nauseous the past 3 days, anyways, I came home and had the genius idea of taking a spoon full of fiber- not a good idea. I proceeded to hiccup. Anyways, long story short- I induced vomiting which last a good 10-15mins- Very Gross! So now I am here in bed- 4am feeling lightheaded, some indigestion, chills, and a headache. The post vomit indigestion and belches are the worst but the dizzy/lightheadedness is annoying as well! Of well, I’m thinking/hoping these symptoms are mainly from detoxing from the sleep-aids, withdraws, GOD I HOPE these are the withdraws, if this is the case I simply have to soldier through them. Last time I detoxed from sleeping pills and shit, I went through this bullshit. The headaches, dizziness, and lightheadedness I think was pretty much the same- actually this time I’m experiencing more sickness in the stomach but I am less down and out. Last time my body was aching and I pretty much felt out of it most of the day- back then, if I recall, I was able to do like 30mins of cardio a couple times a day and this was pushing it, I do (body wise) have more energy- I must also say that despite the “dizzi-headi-lighty-ness” I a sharp and clear of mind, its just that after a while the “dizzi-headi-lighty-ness” becomes draining. I can actually sustain my focus, and remain clear of mind, its just I have to rest/lay down often- as I think of this, I really think it may be withdraws… I was up to (depending on the day) 16-24 sleep aids a day the past two weeks! WOW! I just really gave that some thought! Perhaps it is withdraws!?

Today's Journal Entry, January 18th 2010...

LMAO! Actually the master cleanse lead into a 40 day “fast.” and all in all life was good, for about three months! I was hitting tens on all levels, until, my summer classes were cut- and my graduate teaching assistantship position. For the summer I was out of grad school and out of work and quite dejected. Gradually, the food returned- especially the “comfort” foods, worry, stress, anxiety and sleepless returned- which of course lead back to the Sleep Aids. Unable to find work and being under pressure to help out- long story will unfold throughout 2010, and simply wanting to do my part in my marriage, I decided, rather than return to grad school, I would find work. Bad idea. This choice will also unfold through my blog, throughout 2010, no doubt.

Anyways, the point of the above walk down memory lane? After my wonderful cleansing, fasting, spiritual, physical and emotional personal improvement- I gradually, slowly finished the 09 as I had started it, at a bottom.

However, with all do respect. I finished 2009 more having backslide rather than actually hitting a bottom, before the end of the year I had gotten control of the sleep aid taking. And trust me, I was only taking a fraction of what I’d been taking (and less often- not daily) at the start of the year- however, may goal is to conquer the need/dependence. My nutrition while not bad- as my best friend always reminds, my “bad” eating habits, are most people’s normal. I don’t have a food addiction or disorder of any kind. When I write of nutrition, I’m simply seeking top healthy/nutritious eating habits. Actually, for the most part, my health, exercise, and nutrition is quite good. Therefore, basically, I like to shoot for an A+ rather than settling for a B’s and As! Lol.

The main point of this journal entry, is that as 2010 starts fresh and new- so shall I. The details of my life will unfold throughout this journal/blog in time for those who don’t know me.

Everything’s Naygii New Direction- The Interview!

A quick short dialogue with my good “friend” Iola B. actually, he goes by, Iola B. Nigga Fag, but why be formal. When I told he I was going to relaunch Everything’s Naygii, Iola had a few questions. And it went a lil sumthing like this…

(Iola B.)Nigga, you ain’t wrote shit in like 7 or 8 months, why you dusting off this moldy ass blog?
Greatly personal reasons. This blog will function more as a daily dairy or journal. Why make it publish- am I just an attention whore! Hmmmm, Tila Tequila, I’m not. I believe I am making this a public journal/dairy simply to give the act of maintaining it more importance. There’s definitely more involved in the maintenance and upkeep of a blog. Rather than occasional journaling, I’m challenging myself to maintain and “operate” a public blog. Not only am I challenging (or inviting myself) to be accountable, but I’m also I’m faced with facing my thoughts/ I’m faced with a creation that I’ve (hopefully) kept for a year. A public endeavor is not something that I can simply walk away from so easily. Unlike a personal and private journal, I can file it away on the computer and never looking back on. Again, a blog is a creation that takes becomes a character of its own. I’m a bit fascinated with creating and observing Everything’s Naygii’s development. Which as extension, would give me a chance to observe my own development throughout 2010.

So, really you’re just vain and stuck on yourself?
Perhaps. Some would say that I am.

I would be one of “some” who would say so.
You got jokes!

Anyways, Again, what makes you different than some sort of media/attention whore?
Well, I’m definitely not seeking fame nor recognition. Actually this leads to another point. This blog is a daily journal/dairy primarily for me. That I’ve chosen to make it public means that it’s elevated beyond a personal venture. However, I am not attempting to create an “Online Community” I’m not trying to have a million/billion followers or friends. I’m not trying make friends at all- I actually have friends! Lol. And my friends will, no doubt, be “introduced” throughout the year. I’m not attempting to create a self-help/Oprah.com experience. If folks choose to follow Everything’s Naygii- Great. people are more than welcomed to follow the hot mess that is my life. However, I’m not asking for help nor commentary regarding my life. However, if folks choose to comment- great, however note- I AM NOT LOOKING TO ESTABLISH A DIALOGUE, FRIENDSHIP, OR “COMMUNITY” OF ANY KIND WITH ANYONE. If folks choose to follow this blog and if what I post and share regarding my “so called life” sparks debate, interest, conflict, confusion, controversy- y’all feel free to share but I’m not here to engage in dialogue. I’m simply here to create a kind of “year in the life” blog experience for myself and some of my friends. Look at it this way, for those of you familiar with the old Mystery Science Theater 3000 B movie cable program. As the aliens of this cult cable series watched B-movies every week and sat in the “audience” and committed on the movies being shown, feel free to comment, strike up dialogue, and discussions- however, I’m not here to participate. The blog is simply the “B-movie” called my life! LMAO!

Nigga, is you gon hire an editor? You call yourself a Grad student and you’re just gon let your shit roll like that?! Without proof reading, no editing and shit?!
No editor, nor editing! LOL. I’m okay with it. I’m going to keep it raw. I’ll let it roll out as is, in its rough draft form. I ain’t tryin at get an A, I just wanna Pass, for now.

Bitch, you got issues!
Exactly! LOL! To quote Jeremy Irons as Claus Von Bulow, in the movie Reversal of Fortune, “You have no idea!” but as the year progresses, those following my hot mess of a blog and life, will have a better idea!

So what can peeps expect?
Anything and everything. My interests are broad, my humor tends to be dry, random, and ironic. I am co-dependent, attracted to/cling to toxic relationships, and prone to running anxiety. You may get anything and everything a Jack Macfarlane rant, I may have a Malcolm X moment and stand atop my soap box, a Woody Allen anxiety/panic attack, a classic In Living Color- Men’s On Film review, Hated it!, deep spiritual Marianne Williamson/Oprah posts, Hell even Chrisy Snow ditzy may be the order of some days- who knows!? Y’all may even get some James Baldwin and Niki Giovanni!

Malcolm, Chrissy Snow- I can’t wait for those moments. The Oprah/Marianne shit I get all the damn time! LOL!
Anyways, Folks, may love and/or despise me. To be honest, I don’t really care. The point of the blog is personal. It’s about me, started a commitment and maintaining that commitment, at the end of the year- this year, the goal isn’t necessarily about whether I’ve changed or grown, whether folks (the online community) come to like, love, respect, hate or loath me, my public accountability revolves around, whether or not I’ve maintained the blog for an entire year- this is the challenge that I’m actually making public. Can I maintain a daily blog, for 2010? The shape, direct, focus, personality, and character of the blog will develop throughout 2010.

So basically that’s the new Everything’s Naygii, and everything I have to post on that. Yo, Iola B., Thanks for asking.

Anytime, my Nigga!

While mowing the lawn, I reflected, I am an adult, an adult male. I am grown. I basically grew up in this neighborhood going from young man to middle-aged married man. I am very much a part of this neighborhood as reflected in my neighbor Al’s eyes, and both older neighbor’s- Mr. Hobbes and the other old guy, Bob! LOL! They were middle aged back when I teen and post-teen wearing ripped Levis and oversized overalls backward- I’m not the only who bought into Kris Kross and Cross Colors! On the road to middle age, I’ve seen many kids/babies become young man and young women and currently I’ve watch younger kids becoming teens/young adults and babies becoming school aged. I come home from school or the gym and teens are playing streetball. I considered all of this as I mowed the lawn and I realized, I am/have been perhaps the most consistent and positive black male within my age bracket who has remained in this neighborhood- oh there are several others who have been in and out of the neighborhood for years- in and out meaning in and out of jail/prison/rehab. I realized as I mowed the lawn when the kids/children/teens watch me, I am a role model- not only as a man but as a black man, as a son, as an adult, as a partner/husband.

I am a black man consist, loving, living and alive and the community watches. I represent my gender and my race- and my sexual orientation in how I treat my mom, how I treat women in general, how I treat my home, how I conduct myself- I am seen, I am a representative whether I am alone or whether my partner and I are together- food shopping, doing laundry, washing the car, or just arriving home from work and/or school. Furthermore, how I am loving and respectful is reflected in my public interactions between my partner and me. By no stretch of the imagination am I attempting to interpret responses/reactions/actions of others. I simply acknowledge eyes are watching- small eyes and large eyes, glancing eyes, staring eyes, steady eyes, young eyes and old eyes, male eyes and female eyes, straight and gay eyes, out eyes and in eyes, eyes green, brown, hazel, black and blue eyes are watching. This reflection, these thoughts made me stand a little taller, chest poking out a bit broader, as a proud, satisfied smile crossed my face. I look forward to continuing in those old men’s foot steps. The foot steps that lead the way for me, here’s to Mr. Hobbes, Bob, and Al.